1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!
10. How do I know anything really exists?
QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced
by something
even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe,with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Ten Rules Kids Won't Learn In School
(An article from Ann Landers)
1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses "It's nor fair" 86 times a day.
2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does.
3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone, ether.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for bugger flipping. They called it opportunity.
6. It's not your parents' fault if you mess up. You're responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life" and "You're not my boss."
7. Before you were born, your parents weren't boring. They got that way paying bills and listening to you.
8. Life is not divided into semesters. And you don't get the summers off. You are expected to show up every day for eight hours, and you don't get a new life every 10 weeks.
9. Smoking does not make you look cool. Watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20.
10. Your school may be "outcome-based," but life isn't. In some schools, you're given as many times as you want to get the answers right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Good Luck! You're going to need it--- and the harder you work, the luckier you will get.
The Tao of Computers
(Provided By Earl)
Imagine if, instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer
produced error messages in haiku. They would read like these:
Important Thoughts
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something
for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD:
1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank
you," though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some
are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to
applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize," and, "You are right."
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow
while it's still warm.
12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
13. If she says that you are too good for him, believe her.
14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, will this matter one year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
15. In hard times, I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I
use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a
career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as
will your travel benefits.
19. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or
former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
20. Be really nice to your friends, because you never know when you are going to
need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
21. Work is good, but it's not that important.
22. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
23. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided
to see beyond the imperfections.
You might be from Kansas if ?
1. You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
2. You have never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity; he's your neighbor.)
3. You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.
4. Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away, and you can still see him from your front porch.
5. You can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Kechi and Osawatomie.
6. Going on vacation means going to Hutch to the fair, Abilene to Ikes museum or Boot Hill to see Miss Kitty.
7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
8. A traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
9. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is. (Except in Johnson County)
10. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
11. The terms Sooners and Huskers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.
12. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
13. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
14. You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
15. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
16. You have been asked, "Where is Toto" more than once.
17. You prefer the Little Apple to the Big Apple as a place to live.
18. You had at least one summer job that was bucking bales or custom cutting.
19. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than once you've made a beer run to another state.
20. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
21. Your school classes have been canceled because of the cold.
22. You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in football.
23. Traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.
24. You have had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
25. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
26. You call that smell coming from the feed yards...Money.
27. Your school classes have been canceled because of the heat.
28. You complain that you cannot see Scott City...
29. You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.
30. You have seen people wear bib overalls to funerals and weddings.
31. You have ridden the school bus for more than an hour each way.
32. Over 50% of your wardrobe is purple.
33. In August you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7a.m.
34. You instantly know someone is from Johnson County when they call everything west of Topeka...Western Kansas.
35. A tornado-warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
36. You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river... arKANSAS.
37. You think the opening day of pheasant season is a national holiday.
38. You NEVER liked Norm Stewart.
39. "Vacation" means going to Kansas City or Wichita for the weekend.
40. You measure distance in hours.
41. You know several people who have hit more than one deer.
42. You use a down comforter in the summer (because you run the A/C at 55 degrees).
43. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow, during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
44. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
45. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
46. You think of the major food groups as beer, beef, and beans.
47. You carry jumper cables in your car and make sure your better half knows how to use them.
48. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
49. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
50. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
51. You know the 4 seasons as: summer, road construction, still summer, winter.
52. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're in a rush, because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
53. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Kansas.
54. You lock the doors to your truck but leave the windows rolled down.
55. Finally, you are 100% Kansan if you have ever had this conversation:
~You wanna Coke?
~Yeah.
~What kind?
~Dr. Pepper.