Dog Dictionary

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs
to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you
must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run
alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and
falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their
person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in the
opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch
in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you
don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can
and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better
yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once
a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind
legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do
it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred,
beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your love is
to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in
return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear
end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your
person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an
end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so
it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored,
turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the
house until your person comes home